I'm Scared to Die

Why can't I come to terms with death?

I used to be terrified of death. I was scared especially of dying without accomplishing anything. Scared that I would die, my family would mourn, but there would be nothing left that I created.

So I would ignore death. I’d shut down the thoughts of my eventual death and pretend that I would live forever. I’d live each day as though I get a million more just like it.

A year ago I began reading Stoic philosophy (beginning with Meditations by Marcus Aurelius - the first book club book) and it taught me to do the opposite. It taught me to always have my death on my mind. To constantly be aware that I might die at any moment.

It was a terrifying idea. The man in the book wrote about how freeing it was but I didn’t feel that way.

Then, one day I was asked to give a speech. In two minutes. To over 600 of my peers. I was student president of Emory’s Chabad and we were hosting a massive Shabbat dinner. Just before the meal, the Rabbi asked me to kick everything off and handed me a microphone. In my head, all I heard was “Hype up the Jews!”

My hands were sweating. I was so focused on organizing the tables, the food, the students and all the little fires came up, I was not ready to speak! But then I remembered,

“They live ill who expect to live always”

(The Moral Sayings of Publius Syrus, 457)

I’m gonna die anyways. And weirdly, instead of fear… I felt free. I felt a weight come off my shoulders. I still had some nerves but I was 90% calmer than just a second before.

I went up to speak and it went very smooth. I got lots of handshakes and butt taps (with consent) after the speech and I was happy. But most of all, I finally understood what I’d been reading.

I could die at any moment. Why be nervous? Why be scared? I have one life and it’s my job to live it according to me.

Question of The Day

Do you ever think about your own death? How’s it make you feel?

Your Friend,

Noah BigNerd Sochaczevski